


Mao Asada's Five Coping Mechanisms

by wonderstruckwhimsy



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Cutting, Depression, Feels, Hurt, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 21:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1402423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderstruckwhimsy/pseuds/wonderstruckwhimsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How exactly does Mao Asada do it? Hold all that pressure, grief, anger, disappointment, and sadness on those slim shoulders? This is the story of a girl who broke into pieces, but was put slowly put back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mao Asada's Five Coping Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> A few things first:  
> 1\. First fanfiction, so take it easy on a girl, ehh?
> 
> 2\. Yuzuru/Mao. And I am aware that no one else ships this.
> 
> 3\. Don’t like it, don’t read it. The back button is there for a reason.
> 
> 4\. If I get things wrong, please tell me, and remember I’m not Japanese.
> 
> 5\. I don’t actually think Mao Asada is depressed or anything (in fact, I think she is so cute, and happy, and amazing - huge fan), or does anything like that, but she has so much stress on her shoulders, that I thought it’d be interesting to explore how she might have coped with it, using very real topics to illustrate my imaginative situation(s).
> 
> 6.. Constructive criticism is appreciated! And if you must flame me, please include a reason :)
> 
> 7\. I really appreciate anyone who is reading this. Thank you so much!
> 
> Love,
> 
> wonderstruckwhimsy xx.

**_1: Up it Goes_ **

****

The first time Mao Asada remembers feeling completely out of control, stressed, volatile, and ready to burst into tears is the 2007 World Championships. For God’s sake, she’s only sixteen years old, and teenagers don’t like feeling this out of control, this...delicate. She pops her triple loop in the short program, and lands herself in a miserable fifth place. She pulls whatever fragments of concentration and strength she has left with pure will, strength, and support from her mother after the rough scolding she was given, and skates as best as she can, setting a world record in the long program. She feels good, happy even, until she stands on the podium, and realizes that she lost the gold by 0.64 points, and that silver medal that now hangs so heavy on her neck could have easily been lightweight, easy, breezy, beautiful gold. So after, nauseous with stress, she goes into the bathroom, and throws up. Up with what little she had eaten for lunch comes her worry, stress, and fragility. She decides after that she will never feel so stressed and helpless without doing anything about it.

 

She’s wiping her mouth and fixing her smudged makeup when Yuna Kim enters the bathroom, hesitantly asking if Mao is all right in broken English. Mao finally knows what it is like to smile even when your heart is breaking. She pastes the brightest smile on her face, and nods. When the story gets out a few days later that she went and cried in the bathroom after earning the silver medal, she doesn’t bother to correct anyone.

 

After all, it was worth it, wasn’t it?

  
  
  


**_2: Like Red Roses_ **

 

The first time Mao slits her skin and feels happy is the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. She is the first woman to land three triple axels in a single competition, and she skates away with a silver medal for her efforts.

 

When she stands on the podium, silver once again heavy on her neck, she cries. Tears slide silently down her cheeks, cameras capturing every moment, but she attempts to smile through her tears, a now practiced motion, and knows that the public will buy it.

She cries again afterward, her breakdown captured on camera for all time, while a reporter questions her, and she desperately mops her eyes with a tissue, wiping away all the smudged eyeliner and evidence that she had been crying. She escapes to her room, and when she hears the door unlock, Akiko Suzuki and Miki Ando, her roommates, entering, she locks herself in the bathroom, and turns on the shower to cover the sounds of her desperate sobbing.

 

There was naught but a silver medal to take back to Nagoya, to show her sick mother, whom she had promised to win. She sits in the tub, the water now having turned cold, but she is oblivious. How can she feel the cold when her heart is throbbing so with pain? She needs to get rid of this sharp, fierce, pain somehow, and short of ripping her heart out, she needs something to help. She’s already thrown up the contents of her stomach - a bowl of cereal and a piece of bread - and bile twice more, and it hasn’t helped, for the first time in her memory.

 

She spots the shaving razor tucked into a niche next to the bathtub, and impulsively reaches for it, and pulls out the blade. She makes a slice across her wrist, and is surprised at how good it feels, as she watches the blood bloom, like red roses, across her wrist. She cuts herself five more times, before she hears Miki calling her to go to dinner. Mao washes the blood away from her wrist, the red stained water going down the drain, dries herself off, and gets dressed.

 

She stops by the trash can to throw away the now blood stained razor, but then makes a fist around it, the metal cutting into the soft flesh of her hand. Why throw it away? She might need it again. She feels strong, for the first time in a long time. This pressure and stress is something she can control now.

 

At the gala the next day, Daisuke grips her wrist, just a tad too tight, and when she winces, his eyes narrow, and he pulls up her sleeve. “What is this?” he demands, his voice tight with worry and anger.

 

“A cat scratched me,” Mao replies desperately. Nobody can know of this shame she feels, the shame she herself has emblazoned on her skin.

 

“You don’t own a cat,” Daisuke points out harshly.

 

“A stray one,” she counters, her own anxiety making her tongue sharp and snappy.

 

He accepts it in silence, but after that, Mao knows he watches her with extra attention.

 

After all, it was worth it, to feel that blessed relief, wasn’t it?

  
  


**_3\. What Have I Become?_ **

 

Mao hasn’t been doing well. She knows that. Sixth at two Worlds consecutively. Media is calling her a has-been and a no-more. Somehow, she manages to control it with a little throwing up and a little cutting here and there. Still, when a hateful coach approaches her after another failure at the 2012 World Championships and tells her that she’s starting to lose her pretty figure and she might want to lose weight. He tells her that it’s the reason judges’ aren’t appreciating her work anymore - all they see is a chubby, ugly skater. At any other time, Mao would laugh in his face, but not now. She is so lost, confused, and upset, that this man seems like a godsend from heaven, and he is now directing her on what to do.

 

She weighs herself on the scale. 110 pounds. She is scandalized.

 

Mao guesses throwing up is not enough any more, and begins to count calories every day, and increasingly cut them down.

 

When Yuzuru Hanyu, a new, talented young skater comes to visit Nagoya, they become extremely good friends. She catches him staring at her once or twice as she eats her two tablespoons of yogurt for breakfast, her small bowl of salad with no dressing for lunch, and her few pieces of lean chicken breast for dinner. Mao decides that its because he’s never seen a creature so ugly and fat before, never seen a skater indulge herself so much. She renews her vows to lose weight and cuts down on the calories further, and starts skipping lunch. It doesn’t seem to help his stares though, so she starts wearing loose shirts when she skates, in hopes that her large figure won’t be so visible.

 

It’s the day after Yuzuru leaves, that she collapses during a private session on the ice rink. Nobody’s there, and when she wakes up, she assumes she’s only been unconscious for an hour, gets up, and unsteadily makes her way home.

 

She decides to treat herself better, and is ashamed of how far she has fallen. Still, there are those times before competitions where she stands in front of the mirror and marvels how big her thighs are in their tights, and begins to count her calories again.

 

When things finally start to look up for her in the 2013 season, she decides that it has all been worth it.

 

_**4\. I Just Want to Fade Away** _

 

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games was supposed to be the big culmination of Mao Asada’s glorious career. She was supposed to be able to go out in a huge bang. She was supposed to finally live up to the potential she had, fulfill and lift off the pressure she had carried for longer than she can remember. Instead, she falls horrifically on the jump that she relies on, blanks out, and doesn’t do a required element. She lands in sixteenth place, the worst she has gotten...ever. She has a panic attack safely ensconced in the bathroom, and declines an invitation from Kanako to join the team for dinner. After all, she knows they’d treat her like glass. And all she has done, all the throwing up, cutting, starving, she has done for them all. She has done it so she would seem strong, and letting her see them like this is yet another failure.

 

She has long since grown experienced, and after Daisuke’s hawk-eyed gaze on her after the gala, she no longer cuts on her wrists, but on her stomach and thighs. After, all, nobody - no man will see her scars - no man would want to date such a wreck. She gathers herself together afterward, washes off the blood, throws up, ignores the gnawing in her stomach, and calls her sister, Mai, who scolds her supportively. She pulls herself together with iron will, and is sleeping by the time Kanako and Akiko come back.

 

Mao manages to hold together long enough to skate the free skate of her life, and receive her score. She meets Daisuke and Yuzuru’s - did you know Yuzuru won? She is so proud - eyes after, both suspiciously shiny-eyed, and gives them a broad, smile. She holds it together until after the gala, where she actually smiles a real smile, and skates with the kind of unrestrained joy she used to have when she first started skating.

 

Then she heads off to her room, where every part of her shatters. She has failed her mother, her mother, who she did not even say goodbye to, failed her country, failed everything she’s worked for since she was practically a toddler, thrown away those long years of training, and failed herself. She is a failure, she is disgusting, and she does not deserve her life. She is crying, screaming, shuddering, and shaking. She has thrown up, until she literally cannot throw up any more, and cuts. She can hear Akiko and Kanako pleading with her on the other side, but she cannot be moved. She can feel herself growing weaker, and their voices fade off. It is right, she thinks, as she goes limp, lying in a pool of red. What is it? She thinks. Oh, her brain reminds her belatedly. It’s is her own blood. How fitting. She deserves to die alone.

 

“Mao-san, open up!” She hears Yuzuru’s panicked voice, then a smash, the door flies open, and what seems like the entire Team Japan floods in. Yuzuru is cradling her head, and she has never felt more at home, next to him. Her legs are cushioned by Akiko’s warmth, and Kanako is desperately stroking her shoulders. Tatsuki for once is not smiling or laughing, and she vaguely wonders what bad thing has happened that such an optimistic person is no longer smiling - he’s on his cell phone, frantically dialing a number and shouting into his phone. Daisuke is running his fingers through his hair, and Mao has never seen him so worried, and she wants to ask them all what’s wrong, but the darkness bleeds into her vision, and everything goes black.

 

Mao wakes up in a hospital bed. Her arms, thighs, and stomach are bandaged to holy hell, and there are tubes attached to her. She turns her head in shock to see Akiko, Kanako, Daisuke, Tatsuki, and...Yuzuru, sleeping in various chairs around her bed. Slowly, memory floods back into her, and she feels ashamed. She can’t believe she lost control of the one thing she was sure she had control over, the things that was supposed to help her control.

 

The monitor she is hooked up to beeps again, and their eyes crack open, meeting hers one by one. “MAO!” They chorus.

 

“Don’t EVER scare me like that again.” Daisuke? “You should have asked for help.” Akiko? “I’m sorry I didn’t notice,” Kanako? “Heal fast, Mao-chan.” Tatsuki?

 

Mao props herself up on her elbows, and sees Yuzuru, skulking in the shadows a little bit. He has said nothing, and she wonders if she has disgusted him so much, he can’t even talk to her anymore.

 

“Sorry,” she manages, her throat dry. “How long was I out for?”

 

“A day.” This comes from Yuzuru, and Mao can’t tell from his voice whether he is angry, sad, or worried.

 

Akiko looks at her teammates, and understanding dawns upon her, as visible as the mischievous smile now curving across her lips. “Come on. Let’s leave Yuzuru-kun and Mao-chan alone.”

 

They are alone, and the only sound in the room is her heart monitor beeping. “Yu-” she begins, ready to apologize, so say anything, if only he will stop looking at her like that, like she is glass, about to shatter. She doesn’t get to finish, and he gently sweeps her shoulders up, and presses kisses on both her cheeks, corners of her mouth, and finally, her lips.

 

They break apart and stare at each other. The first thing Mao can think to say, mouth gaping open unbecomingly, but corners of her mouth curling up in a smile is, “I’m five years older than you!”

 

“Does it matter?” He looks cutely uncertain.

 

“No,” she laughs. “I just thought you wouldn’t want to date an old lady.”

 

“You’re not old,” He defends stoutly.

 

“Right,” Mao agrees. “I’m damaged goods.”

 

His face is suddenly sharp and intense. “Don’t ever refer to yourself like that. I still can’t believe-” He huffs angrily. “Do you know how worried I was? I was so scared you were going to die. I saw you, barely breathing in a pool of your own blood. Then when they were hooking you up, saying you were malnourished, depressed, stressed out, all I could think of was my visit two years ago. You ate so little, and you were so skinny. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t want to offend you. If I had said something then, I could have helped you, and then you might not have been driven to this. I wish you had told me - we could have-”

 

Mao has heard enough, and swoops in to catch his face, and kiss him. Maybe there are people who care out there after all. Maybe she isn’t alone.

 

Was it all worth it? She isn’t so sure anymore, her lips, pressed hotly to Yuzuru’s, locked in a fierce embrace.

 

**_5\. Love, and That Was All._ **

 

They’re dating now. The press doesn’t know it yet, but Team Japan sure does. They tease the heck out of the happy couple, especially Kanako and Tatsuki. However, Mao feels their protective gazes on her sometimes, and knows that those gazes probably will never go away, so long as the image of her bleeding out on the floor remains burned into their memory. But somehow, she doesn’t seem to mind, even though there is always someone with her, it seems. Kanako and Akiko won’t let her out of their sight. Daisuke and Tatsuki are always watching her with eagle-eyes, spotting for anything wrong. And Yuzuru?

 

Mao has never been happier. Yuzuru is so protective over her, it can be annoying (after all, who’s the old one in the relationship?!), but overall, it’s cute, and she feels safe for the first time in a very long time.

 

But a week after the incident in Sochi, which they had to decided to keep firmly under the wraps, Mao was back on the ice, landing triple axels with confidence, fluidity, and grace. Yuzuru nearly has a heart attack when he goes to the Japan Training Center rink in the morning and first finds Mao already out there, spinning in a dizzying blur out on the ice.

 

He hadn’t wanted her to compete at the Saitama 2014 World Championships. Actually, he doesn’t want her to do anything other than stay at home and rest.

 

After Yuzuru finishes skating his short program, he begs Mao to withdraw. He’s so worried about her. But she laughs and reassures him again. She knows what she’s doing, what she has to do, and what she’s going to do.

 

She’s warming up, and she feels nervous, but she feels confident too. She spots Yuzuru hiding out, winks and waves before completing a triple-triple combination with ease to raucous applause. He smiles back at her, but the worry in his eyes does not ease completely. But Mao has no doubt in her mind that she will go out and perform the best program she is capable of.

 

And it is. A new world record, and possibly one of the best triple axels she has ever done. She cries happy tears in her hotel room, and when Yuzuru sees her, he becomes mildly panicked before realizing that she is happy - so, very happy.

 

The next day, she sees Yuzuru defy the odds and leap from third place to first, winning the mens’ World Champion title. Pride swells in her, and as they curl up together after his victory ceremony. They whisper sweetly to each other until she falls asleep, readying herself for her own bid for the ladies’ title, and when she nestles her head under his chin, he feels the strength of her pride and happiness, her faith in him, and is humbled by it.

 

Mao is nervous. So, very nervous. But she skates out on the ice, feels the atmosphere of the crowd, and knows she owes it - to her country, her family, her mother, Yuzuru, but mostly herself - to skate her very best. Several of her jumps are called as underrotated, but she holds on the number 1 slot with 9.19 points to spare. It is a victory, another one for now _three_ time world champion, Mao Asada, one of, if not Japan’s greatest female skater.

 

She is exhausted after the victory ceremony - mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. She is gathered up by strong arms and carried back to her room. Mao knows Yuzuru thinks she’s asleep when he whispers in her hair, “I love you,” but her sleepy lips, curving up in a smile gives her away, and when she whispers, “I love you,” back, she knows he hears.

 

It’s exhibition night. Yuzuru grips Mao’s hand tightly before they skate out together. It isn’t the first time they’ve skated together, but this is the first time they’re skating together as World Champions and a couple. “Mao Asada and Yuzuru Hanyu!” He gives her hand one last squeeze before letting go, and they skate out. She is spinning in the center, and he is skating in a circle around her, and he realizes for the first time, that this really is symbolic. She is at the center of his world. He takes her slender, graceful hands in his, and pulls her in as they spin together. Mao’s eyes are sparkling, and her smile is so bright, it makes him so happy, he is fit to burst. It’s just them, spinning together on the ice for a moment.

 

They are so oblivious to everything else, staring so joyfully at each other, they miss the smirks Akiko, Kanako, and Tatsuki are shooting them, and the dreamy smiles the female skaters - and some of the male skaters (don’t lie) - are sporting. They are oblivious to the flashing cameras, to the suddenly thunderous roaring of the crowd. No, they only see each other.  

 

Yuzuru, spinning out there with his gorgeous, beautiful, Mao in his arms, thinks, _my dreams have finally come true._

 

And Mao, spinning out there with her protective, sweet, amazing Yuzuru holding her hands securely, thinks, _my dreams are finally on their way to coming true._

 

 _Love, and that was all_ , she thinks, tilting her head back and breathing in deeply. And then she lets the music sweep her away.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I guess that’s it for now, but I’ll be writing and extended version of 3, 4, and 5, I’m pretty sure, and probably an epilogue, and some more stuff. I hope you enjoyed it, if you’re out there reading this, and if there is a slim chance you ship Yuzuru and Mao as well, PLEASE comment down below, or contact me or something. There are so few of us Yuzuru x Mao shippers out there, that we need to stick together. That being said, if you would like me to write other pairings, like Yuzuru and Javier, or Mao and Daisuke for example, please comment down below. See you soon!
> 
> Love, wonderstruckwhimsy. xx.


End file.
